Monday, January 10, 2011

Searching for a Mama

Today a friend asked me how I knew, after all these years, that I am gay.  How do you get to be 42 and have no idea that you are gay? That is something I have been thinking a lot about.  Was it the first time I realized that sex with my husband wasn't working for me?  Was it all the comfortable shoes in my closet?  Was it my affinity for my Leatherman?  I guess they were good clues for my friends, but I never figured it out - at least not until five months ago.  I thought the sex problem was from being molested.  I thought the shoes were just good sense, and really, who doesn't love a good Leatherman?  

Truthfully, I don't think I was healthy enough mentally or spiritually until recently to really see the truth about me.  I got sober nearly six years ago.  I got diagnosed.  I got medicated.  I got therapy.  I got religion.  I got a Godmother.  Nothing ever filled that hole in my soul.  I always had a barrier between me and other people -- men and women.  I never felt particularly close to men and could never get close enough to women.  I have been trying to pin point that moment of revelation, and I am pretty certain I knew before I went down ... to the river to pray ... so to speak.

I have had a lot of women friends that were older.  They always seemed a bit motherly and a bit funny and a bit affectionate.  Hug me once and I would melt in your arms and follow you like a puppy chasing a cat with a steak tied to its tail.  It was pathetic, and I had no clue.  I thought I would always be lonely until I couldn't stand it anymore and then the only answer would be in a solid bit of lead.

I was saved from my loneliness by listening to a good friend.  A good friend of mine said to me, "Yeah, I had lots of older women friends... I always thought I was searching for a Mama.  I wasn't."  That was an aha moment for me.  I think that is when my stars aligned, and I finally crossed that threshold.  It is amazing how bright the light is in the hallway when you finally do come out of the closet -- especially when you had no idea that you were fumbling around in there in the first place.

My reaction was, "Thank God!  I thought I was crazy.  It turns out I am just gay!  Hallelujah!"  Its funny how solidly that bell rings and when they say, "you can't unring that bell."  They (who ever they are...) know what they are talking about.  But that is a story for another time...