Saturday, August 20, 2011

Food

Did you know that one in six Americans struggle with hunger?1  I checked it out this morning because I am feeling guilty, yet sorry for myself at the same time.  According to Share Our Strength.org, 17 million children go to bed hungry.2  Worldwide, one in seven people go hungry everyday.3  

These are numbers.  Numbers are cold.  Numbers don’t feel that ache in the gut.  Numbers don’t carry that fear of, ”How do we feed our children?”  Numbers don’t tuck away the guilt of when do I get mine?”

By worldly accounts, I am a wealthy American.  I can honestly say that for most of my life, food choices have been those of want not of need.  I have had the luxury of empty calories just because I want them, they taste good and are usually easy and cheap.  I have no right to complain.  (Although I didn't qualify for food stamps, but that is a complaint for another time.)

That last sentence is an ironic caveat since I am about ready to start complaining.  In AA, they tell us to identify not to compare.  You see, if you identify with someones struggle, you can see what rings true for you and that gives you strength, and strength helps you stay sober and fix your own flaws.  If you compare, you will always be faced with the cold hard truth that someone struggles more than you do, someones past is more horrific and therefore, you have no right to complain.  The other side of the comparative coin is that someone somewhere has it better than you do; therefore, your wallowing self-pity is justified.  This knowledge keeps you down and sick and invariably drunk.

In spite of my advanced education, in spite of living in the world’s wealthiest nation, in spite of being employed and having a little money in the bank,  I am facing my own fear of hunger.  My fear might be superfluous, but it is mine, and I am struggling with it.  I am in fear of not being able to feed my children properly meaning a balanced meal rather than nothing at all.  As I said, I have no right to complain... yet I will continue because there is a point to this, and I am hoping to figure out what it is, maybe you will figure it out before I do.  Until then, I will keep writing.

I can’t know what it is like to actually be starving.  I carry too many extra pounds for that.  I don’t know what people in developing countries face.  I can intellectualize about it, but I can’t possibly really know.  I spoke with a friend of mine this morning about this, and she is in the same situation.  We are both over-educated and underemployed.  We are both in the middle of a divorce.  We both see our children part time.  We also both make food choices based on conservation rather than palette.  She told me this morning that when she isn’t with her child, she skips meals and when she does eat, she eats as cheaply as possible so that when her child is with her, she can make meals that are well balanced, so that he won’t go without.
I have been making those choices.  My partner made those choices when her children were little and now is doing so again though her children are grown.  There is a special ache in the gut when you hear, “Mommy, I’m hungry,” and you just can’t do anything about it.  We usually have something but fearing the moment we don’t looms.

I know what some of you must be thinking, “oh boo hoo, you and your friend aren’t going to starve and neither are your kids.”  Maybe that is true, but this is where the “identify don’t compare” comes into play.  That is where you defeat the guilt that keeps you in that self-pity and hopelessness.  When you identify with parts of my story, you start to face those fears you have tucked away.  Just as I do whenever I identify my similarities with others.

I have some eggs and some oatmeal and stuff for sandwiches.  My food choices have gone from what I feel like eating to what I can afford to eat.  I have some frozen vegetables and will get some chicken for when the boys come over.  We are not starving.  We have a home.

Someone said to me the other day when I was upset about my situation, “you knew this wasn’t going to be easy.”   My thoughts were yes I knew it but now I am feeling it.  Knowing and experiencing are different things entirely.  Just as wanting and needing are different as well.  Knowing you did the right thing doesn’t squash the fears you have while in the process of getting from an unhappy life to the possibility of a happy one.  It doesn’t pay all the bills, feed your kids, your partner or yourself or keep the danger of catastrophe from your door should just one little thing go wrong.  In the end, I don’t know what sucks more fear or guilt.  Gnawing fear or gnawing guilt... both are equally sucky.  

So go and enjoy your danish and coffee or cereal and juice or toast and eggs, fear and guilt do not taste very good.  Hope is a far tastier dish.  Meanwhile, if you are making food choices or meal skipping choices, know that you are not by yourself, but it doesn’t mean that you situation isn’t important.  If you don’t have to make those choices, remember knowing and experiencing are two different things.  There are lots of places you can donate to if you are fortunate.  If you are not so fortunate, there are sources to look for help.

If you need help, a great source is your local United Way.  They know how to pair people and their needs with organizations that can help.  Anyway, thanks for reading...
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1  http://help.feedingamerica.org/site/PageServer?   
  pagename=SEM_landing_page&s_src=Y11X1GSEM&s_subsrc=gamericahungerstatistics.
2  http://www.strength.org/childhood_hunger/?gclid=CP3q0KWp26oCFcE42god3yQ69Q.
3  http://www.worldhunger.org/articles/Learn/world%20hunger%20facts%202002.htm.
Posted by Layla Proudfoot at Saturday, August 20, 2011 0 comments

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